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Single's Guide to Beating Shyness

By Kelly Jones

First impressions are not only important, they're lasting -- whether they're accurate or not. For shy people, making a strong first impression is tough. Often, shyness is mistaken for indifference or arrogance, terrible attributes for singles. So how best to beat bashfulness? Read on...

Confidence is hot. I'm not talking too-cool-for-school cockiness; I'm talking about letting that inner self shine and showing other singles what you're all about. So no more avoiding gazes, no more shying away from new faces, no more worrying that you'll say the wrong thing at the wrong time.

First impressions are too important. In fact, lifetime-lasting snap judgments are made just seconds after laying eyes on someone. Master a few simple tricks and you'll have the power to conquer shyness and boldly go where you've never gone before.

If You Envision It, It Will Come

It's impossible to go from shy to bold in just one day. It takes practice. Tap into your sanguine side by simply smiling at someone on the bus or in an elevator. Another fab technique for boosting confidence and nurturing that gift of gab is visualization. By playing out all realistic possible scenarios in your mind beforehand, you are in essence going through a dry run of the experience. Visualize yourself being confident and successful, and the real thing will be easy beans.

Let 'Em Judge Your Book by Its Cover

The last thing you want to wear when you're meeting new people are threads that need adjusting. Fidgeting makes you look nervous and unprepared. Don something that highlights your sexiest body parts but doesn't need turning, unfolding or aligning. Being at ease in your salacious skin exudes the confident air you seek. Don't forget to stand or sit up straight (a folded, hunched-over posture signals that you're closed to people around you), unclasp those hands (instinct tells us that closed hands hide weapons), and keep both feet planted on the floor (crossed feet exude an unconfident, off-balance impression).

Eye for an I

Our animal instincts make eye contact extremely meaningful. In fact, our peepers are the most demonstrative part of our body--can you think of one emotion they can't express? Eye contact may speak louder than words--but beware the message: staring too long implies aggression, while not long enough screams insecurity. Remember to avoid over-blinking; Is that a pookie in your eye, or are you just nervous to see me?

A Room with A View

Walking into a room full of strangers is one of hardest things for shy people to do. Thankfully there are three things you can do to give the impression of confidence. First, fight your instinct to hide under the welcome mat. Instead, pause just inside the room, smile subtly, and count to three in your head. As you're standing there, suss out the space. Is there an empty bar stool or interruptible host? Make eye contact with the people your baby blues pass over. Finally, put one Adidas in front of the other and walk toward your chosen target. But don't skirt the room's edges: walk right straight through the middle with slow, convincing strides.

Meet Your Match

When greeting someone new, look into their eyes with a happy, open but not too needy expression. Say their name when you're introduced. Touch is a powerful tool that breaks barriers and makes people feel immediately more intimate. So put out your paw and shake hands. Repeating their name as you do this not only helps you remember them later on, but it makes them feel top-drawer and at ease with you. Beware the flimsy finger grip, the death grip, or the politician's handshake (using both your hands to sandwich theirs).

Talk the Talk

Two singles spending time in the same place already share one thing in common--location. So mention something about your shared environment. Or look for something about them that you can comment on ("nice boobs" or "too bad about that bird poo on your jacket" are not good conversational forays).

Many people scan for quirky tidbits when reading the news, drawing from a stored cache when there's a lull in the conversation. And then there's the foolproof method: asking people about themselves. It not only charms their pants off, it detracts attention from you, lessening any feelings of shyness. Listen to their reply and ask a question related to their answer, rather than spacing out as you try to think of another, unrelated question.

Having an opinion is sexy, so don't be afraid to gently disagree with them, and drop in some personal tidbits without bombarding them with me-me-mes. Once you engage in small talk a few times a day, it will start to feel more natural and instinctive, and shyness will fall to the wayside, opening the door to your brave new world.

Lavalife

Online Sex Talk: Now or Never?

By Lisa Daily

I have a female friend who is frequently the target of men in search of the quick-e.

quick-e. (kwi-kE) Noun: A situation in online dating in which one party makes sexual comments or suggestions within the first few emails. Or minutes. In other words, way too soon.

A couple of "hi-how-are-yous" and suddenly she finds herself on the receiving end of a nudie-cam transmission, or for the slightly more subtle letch, an inquiry as to her breakfast order.

She's looking for true love. They're looking for action.

For most men, it seems the topic of women bringing up sex too soon appears to be a non-issue. After months of inquiries, I was unable to locate even a single guy who found it a problem. But for women, the issue is Big and Troublesome and Creepy.

E-ping Toms. Sex Scavengers. Internet Degenerates. From unseemly photos to body part inquiries to the wolf-in-Prince Charming's-clothing, female online daters are bombarded with inappropriate IMs, photos and emails. An online dater from Baltimore sums it up: "I normally would disregard those emails and write those prospects off. Imagine what a first date would be like if they were already lecherous just on e-mail!"

To most women, sex talk too early on is the online dating equivalent of Internet pharmacy spam clogging up your inbox. It's annoying, unwelcome, and we can't imagine that anyone would actually respond. Many women feel that a guy who brings up bedroom talk right away is just looking for sex, or maybe worse, "they have no manners."

Most experts agree that when someone brings up sex right away, it should raise some red flags. Psychotherapist Wendy Allen says, "A man wanting sex too early has nothing to do with you. It's just their own persistent horniness."

She adds, "This transparency has given you a window into this person's motives. Move on to the next one!"

Toni Coleman, a relationship coach and psychotherapist agrees. "It can also be a complete turn-off to many women (and some men). When someone does this, it can indicate that they are only interested in sex, have poor boundaries and/or impulse control, or are a potential stalker, to name a few."

Mary Jo Fay, author of Please Dear, Not Tonight: The Truth About Women and Sex says, "Men who wave the sexual flag early are letting women know what their priority is... and for the women who ignore that flag and then begin to wonder later just exactly what went wrong and why her new Mr. Right is really Mr. Wrong... well, they only have themselves to blame."

But how early is too early? If you've made it clear in your profile that you're looking for a relationship or casual dating, anytime before the first few in-person meetings is too soon. Protocol-challenged guys, if you don't learn anything else from this article, pay attention to this: Most women are uncomfortable with graphic sex talk with someone they don't know. And if they're not, they're hanging out in the "intimate" communities, not on the general dating sites.

Fay warns, "If a guy mentions something in a profile (in addition to his height, weight, job, loves, passions, etc,) that he enjoys lazy afternoons under the covers with someone he loves, that's one thing. But if he's sending a potential mate web links to porn sites or sex toys, or is asking her what position she prefers, or invites her to have phone sex with him before even asking her about her likes, family, job, expectations in a relationship, then he's really only looking for one thing. Period."

Coleman says, "The time to bring up sex is after several successful dates, when the individuals feel they are beginning to build a bond and have the potential for a 'real' relationship."

Not sure how to handle the dirty talk issue? Well, if you wouldn't say something to someone you met at a wedding for the first time, you shouldn't say it to an online prospect. And if you find yourself a recipient of unwanted smut, the best plan is to a) change the subject, b) let the person know they've crossed a line or c) end the dialog right away, and block their email.

Dating coach Liz Kelly, author of SMART Man Hunting, offers these suggestions for dealing with online sex talk:

With the growing popularity of IM and web-cams, singles are definitely bolder about sex online. Set sex talk boundaries based on what you are seeking online.
Fun flirting can be flattering, but sharing intimate details enters a different zone.
If you're in the mood, you may be OK with getting down and dirty online. Recognize that the sincerity of a stranger is questionable and think twice before meeting an online sex partner in person.
If someone brings up sex online and you are uncomfortable, politely change topics immediately.
If a stranger persists after you've shared that you are uncomfortable, hit delete right away.
Whether you're a man or a woman, don't use the implied anonymity of the Internet to disregard social filters that would normally be in place. The world (and online dating) works a lot better when we're all on our best behavior.

And if you're the target of an E-ping Tom or Internet Degenerate, trust your instincts and apply the same rules that you would in person. If a guy you just met at a restaurant asked you to show him your bra three minutes after you met, you'd throw a drink at him, and ask the maitre d' to escort him to his car. The same rules apply online. Don't do it, and don't take it.

Dating Expert Lisa Daily is the author of Stop Getting Dumped!

Date.com

	Singles from all over are trading in their winter wear for fun in the sun and what a better way for someone to enjoy a beautiful sunny day than with someone special!